Will You Be My Friend? Making Friends in Adulthood

Laura and I at SeaWorld While Our Boys Run Amuk

My Redlands Friends and I at a Women's Film Festival

Karen and I at Halloween, I am Ken to her Barbie

Melissa, Nicole and I, Fellow Baseball Moms at a Recent Game

Jody and I At the Yucaipa Thanksgiving Run (We Did Not Run!)

Episode 5: Will You Be My Friend?

Middle School friendships are fickle. It seemed like I had a new friend every year. During the 8th grade, my best school friend was a girl named Rae. We bonded during Summer volleyball practices, and started having lunch together every day. Having regular lunch with someone in Middle School is like taking a blood oath of friendship. She had a dry, dirty sense of humor, at least by Middle School standards. She was my polar opposite, and I felt rebellious hanging out with her. I thought we had a close friendship, but I was wrong.

When we left for Summer break, it was like our friendship vanished. I don't remember being in touch much during our 3 month break, but that wasn't unusual, given that we couldn't drive, and lived across the city from each other. When we returned to school in September, I expected to have a glorious reunion, big hugs and retelling of vacation stories. Instead, she pretended not to know me. I remember we were in the locker bay I called out to her, she glanced at me, and just kept on walking. 32 years later, and I still feel the sting of it. She had straightened her frizzy, curly hair, gotten contacts, and lost weight. She was hanging out with the popular girls now, a group that I never aspired to be a part of. I was not unpopular, but as a devout, prudish Southern Baptist Christian who organized and led prayer rallies at school, I would never be popular, and honestly didn't care about that. I was a pariah to her. We never discussed her snub of me, and just pretended like we were never friends. I understand now as an adult that she wanted to be part of the popular crowd, probably wanted to start partying and rebelling, and I was going to hold her back. It doesn't take much to fall out of friendship with someone in Middle School.

Don't feel sorry for me, though. I am an extrovert squared, and have never had trouble making friends. I had friends from the sports I played at school, from sports I played outside of school, from church, and from my neighborhood. And I always have had my best friends forever, Claire and Emily, who I met at the church nursery when we were newborns, thanks to our Moms.

I didn't have any trouble making friends until we moved to Southern California when I was 35. I was married, had a 2 year old son, and excitement about living in a new place. I worried about finding things for Devin and I to do, about driving in a new place, and about getting the house organized, but I didn't worry about making new friends. Devin and I went to a playground once we got settled, and I scanned the area for fun-looking Moms. I tried to start a friendly conversation, only to be given one-word answers, and for the Mom to pretend her child needed help as a reason to get away from me. Was I coming off as desperate? Why did I feel like I was at a Middle School dance? This started to become routine with every day, every playground. I went on Meet Up to find Mom/Kid groups in the area, and found a few that met regularly at a library about 30 miles away. The first Meet Up I went to, there were about 50 Moms and Kids there, with no way to discern who was there from the group. I tried another one at a Mom's house, but had to be vetted, and they never followed up with me. Then I got a message through Meet Up from the group that since I hadn't attended the last 3 functions (that I hadn't been notified of), I was banned from the group. I swear that group was designed just to reject people. They must have been Mean Girls in LuLaRoe leggings (this was 2014). Devin and I did Mommy and Me activities all over the place--toddler soccer, toddler gymnastics, toddler music, library reading time. Of course, I wanted to make sure Devin kept busy, but I was also on the hunt for new friends.

I am a nice, easygoing person with a great sense of humor. I might have frizzy, curly hair, not wear neither makeup nor LuLaRoe leggings, and only had a Stanley cup when they were sold at Walmart for $10, but I am a good friend. I felt so desperate, and perplexed. It made me wonder, why, as we get older, do we close ourselves off to friendships? Sure, we are busy, and as our kids get older, we get busier (check). If we are in the thick of our careers, that adds to it (check). We have less energy and might even have more mental health problems that make it difficult to come out of our regular routines (check). But there are few things as magical as the rush you get from connecting with someone for the first time. I love having an initial conversation with someone where you both realize you have similar interests, similar ways of thinking, and might click with your senses of humor. Or maybe you aren't even that similar, but click in some way. "You like to watch true crime? Me too!" "Your kid plays baseball? Mine too!" "Your family likes to camp? Ours too!" It is almost as if you are falling in love again.

Ten years later, I have lots of friends, but it took some persistence on my part, something which fortunately I have loads of. Just like when I was a kid, I have friends from my own sports, from Devin's sports, from Jeff's work, from Devin's school. I vowed after my playground and Meet Up snubbing from other Moms, I would never close myself off to friends. I would never be too busy for a new person in my life. Does it get a little hectic keeping up with my friends? Yes, but that is what a calendar is for. I have my regular schedule in there, but I also have notes like, "Text Joan about coffee on Sunday" "Text Alice to see how her Mom is doing" "Make sure to wish Sarah a Happy Birthday." Technology is a wonderful thing. And so is friendship.

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